My dad

He insisted upon moving back into his house (the bank gave him a home modification loan) despite our protests about his continued declining health and worry that he can't live alone. We moved him back in last Wednesday January 18th. I saw him Thursday evening and was very worried. I took the kids over to see him on Friday and again was worried. Savannah moved the rest of his stuff  on Saturday and saw him then.

She went to pick up the vacuum and found him unconscious next to his bed on Sunday.  She called the paramedics and then called all of us.  He was checked into the ER with a 78/50 blood pressure and a 33 blood sugar.  When we visited him on Sunday he didn’t look good at all and couldn’t remember the last couple of days.  His blood pressure had increased to 98/46, but his heart rate remained high at 120-130 bpm.  His creatinine (measures kidney function and should be close to or less than 1) was 1.85, which meant his kidneys weren’t operating well.  The troponin levels were high, which indicated either a recent heart attack or a risk of heart attack.  The nurse said that he had been down long enough that muscle tissue began breaking down and his kidneys were struggling because of it (rhabdomyolysis).

They decided to move him to the ICU.  The last thing I said to him was ‘I love you’ and he said the same thing to me.  That night while I put Cooper to bed, he told me, 'Mommy, grandpa needs me to see him. I need to see him mommy.'

I went into work on Monday because I was expecting to have a second hernia repair surgery on Wednesday January, 25th.  I finished everything up and let everyone know that my dad was in the ICU.  I went to the chiropractor and put my purse/phone in the locker.  I was sitting in the building lobby waiting for a massage when I checked my phone.  Two texts, one from Savannah, one from Chris ‘Call me ASAP!!!’.  I knew.

I called Savannah and she could barely say it.  They had called her and told her to get to the hospital immediately to make medical decisions.  Then they called her back 5 min later and said they couldn’t revive him.  I broke down.  I called Chris and told him to meet me at the hospital.  I told the massage therapist I had to go and they asked what was wrong.  I blurted out ‘My dad just died, I need to go.’  I stopped at Paradise and ordered lunch.  Then I don’t remember the walk to the train.  As I was waiting for the train I realized I probably shouldn’t drive.  I told Chris to pick me up at the train station.

It was quite possibly the longest train ride of my life.  I was really upset but didn’t want to completely break down and I was starving.  Finally I got to the station and we drove to the hospital.  I ate some of my food on the way, but felt sick to my stomach.

We got to the hospital and went up to the ICU.  None of us wanted to see him.  We all wanted our last memory of him to be of him alive.  The nurses told us the doctor would be up soon.  Eventually they shuffled us to a tiny room that felt like a closet.  Since it’s a teaching hospital the student doctors came in to tell us that the real doctor would be in soon.  Finally the doctor showed up.

We immediately asked why they tried to revive him because he had a DNR in place.  She said he was coherant enough the night before to tell them he wanted basic CPR but no ventilator.  The doctor said that he very likely had a heart attack sometime on Sunday.   He had a very severe blood infection which caused his liver to stop working, then his kidneys.  He wasn't breathing well and then his heart slowed down and stopped.  They attempted CPR, but could not revive him. He was only 58.

We told the kids that night. That was by far the hardest thing I've ever done. We are atheist so the conversation went like this:

Me: Do you remember we went and saw Grandpa on Friday? We had so much fun with him, right?
Charlotte: Yeah!
Me: And do you remember that grandpa got really sick and went to the hospital yesterday?
Charlotte: Oh no! What happened?
Me: He got really, really sick. The doctors tried to help grandpa, but he was just too sick. And grandpa died. This means you won't be able to see him again. Last Friday was the last time you got to see and talk to grandpa.
Charlotte: Oh no! Oh no!
Me: But we can always remember all the fun times we had with him, and talk about him, and look at pictures. And it's okay to be very sad or talk to mommy and daddy about it.
Charlotte: Okay. Are you sad mommy?
Me: I am very sad and I might cry a lot because I'm sad. But you can give me a hug to make me feel better.

Mikael and Che brought us dinner and Maile came over too.  The kids were sitting at the dinner table and this is the conversation the kids had with her:

Cooper: Grandpa just died. He was sick, so sick. And he died. We can't see him anymore. He died. But we had lots of fun with him.
Charlotte: And we are sad. The doctors couldn't help him. He died.

I don't think they really understand what it means yet.  I'm so glad he's not suffering anymore, but I am really, really sad.  We are having the celebration of his life at our house today and then we plan to spread his ashes near his grandfather’s home in Central City.