Random thoughts about my random drug screen

My company has a policy that all employees must submit to a random drug screen.  In the 6 years that I've worked there I have never had to take one.  In my entire life I have never had to go to a random drug screening.  I'm not sure why my company thought that now after having a baby and still nursing that I would begin doing drugs and drinking on the job.  Maybe they thought 2 kids and a new high stress job can do that to a person?  Whatever.

So I go to the clinic and when I walk in I immediately feel out of place.  I mean this isn't the kind of doctor's office I usually go to and it's clear that they don't usually get people dressed in professional attire into the clinic.  Nor do they usually get women.  I sign in (why do those sign in sheets have the tiniest little space for my too long last name??) and have a seat facing the tv that is on Fox Good Day LA. Ugh.

I begin to check out my surroundings.  There are some hats hung on the wall with various company names on them.  Wow they look old.  And dirty.  Wow, that's some layer of dust!  I see my company's hat and it says 'Since 1965' and I think, yeah that hat looks like it has been here since 1965!  Gross.

There are also childish kindergarten like halloween decorations hung all over the place.  Looks great.  You don't even notice the grungy clinic anymore.

Whoa!  What's with the 4 ft dead fish hung on the wall?!?!  I know it's called Maritime something or other clinic, but really, do we have to be so literal with the decorations??  Looks perfect with the grime and flimsy holiday decorations.

And then  I notice it.  What the heck is a huge 1980's plastic leather couch doing in the doctor's office??  It's the kind of couch that you don't sit on at a house party for fear of who has done something unmentionable on it at the last party.  Gross!

I then settle in to watch some tv.  I can feel it right away.  My brain is turning to mush.  Mush. Mush. Mush.  Blah, blah, blah.  The ditsy girls and old man pretend to have a conversation.  Mushiness is getting worse.

Then I see it.

I burst out laughing.  The guy next to me looks up at the tv and starts laughing too.  I say, I have no idea what that's about, but it's hysterical!

Something about a horse stuck in a tree.  Still don't know the story, but it was the highlight of the visit.

My name gets called and I go back to the 'exam room' if that's what you want to call it.  It's like a big open kitchen with a long counter and sink.  The young guy doing the screening has me wash my hands and put my purse down.  It's then that I realize the bathroom stalls are out in the open in this room!!  I realize I'm going to have to practically pee in front of this guy.  Wow...I had no idea this is what I signed up for when I agreed to random drug screening!

So the guy tells me to pee in a cup and not to flush the toilet.  Uh, okay.  I can tell he's a little nervous because he's having a hard time getting the paperwork organized and his gloves on.  Thankfully he sort of stepped into the hallway while I peed.  I have to watch him pour my pee into other little containers and then sign the containers and another form.  Then I finally get to wash my hands.  I do a breathalyzer and I can finally leave.

I wonder how much that guy gets paid to flush toilets and transfer pee from one container to another all day?