Charlotte’s Adoption Story Part 1: Before She Came Home

I have spent all month thinking about how to write this and what to include or not include.  I’ve worried about how other people will be exposed in this story and how Charlotte might feel when she reads this one day.  I have tried hard to be honest, but also respectful.  It is important to me to that this be the truth because this is the story of my daughter’s life.  The story of three mothers who have loved her.  The story of complex feelings that I never knew were possible in becoming a parent.  The story of how I went from confusion, to doubt, to acceptance, to depression, and finally the belief that there is no other daughter who could be more perfect for me or for our family.

Background on me and my childhood here and here.

Part 1:  Before She Came Home

Learning About the Pregnancy – August 2007

During a phone call to my mom, she told me that my sister was pregnant with her third child.  I was completely surprised, as my sister had been serving jail time for being in trouble with drugs.  The baby was due sometime in January, but my sister wasn’t sure because she had only had a check up in jail.  Although I knew my sister was a drug addict, I could not fathom that she would continue to use throughout her pregnancy.

Shortly after I spoke with my mom, Chris and I learned we were also expecting a baby.  Although my sister and I had never been close, I was excited to share the experience of pregnancy with her.  The reality was that we had very little contact throughout the rest of my sister’s pregnancy. 

Learning about the birth – December 2007

On December 14th, my youngest sister called to let me know that our sister had had a baby girl, who was very cute and doing great.  The following morning I called my sister to see how she and the baby were doing.  She said natural labor was incredibly painful and that she highly recommended the epidural.  She told me she had named the baby Anabella Jade (with help from our youngest sister) and that the baby was small at 5 lb, 12 oz because she was a few weeks early.  She said the doctors were doing some testing on Anabella because she was breathing really fast.

Later that same day, my youngest sister called me again and told me the devastating news—Anabella’s meconium had tested positive for methamphetamine.  My sister had admitted to the hospital to using only 3 days before the birth, but I knew that if the meconium tested positive, she likely used for a good part of the pregnancy.  I cannot tell you how livid I was at hearing this—my sister had point blank lied to me about everything, and worst of all she hurt my niece in such a terrible way.  I was 5 months pregnant and understood the importance of taking care of the life growing inside of me.  I was worried about not drinking coffee, and my sister was completely wreckless and did drugs??!??

A social worker contacted the family and everyone pulled together to find a place for the baby to go.  The baby would remain in the hospital for about a week, receiving care, but if a family member was not available then Anabella would go into foster care.  From the moment Chris found out that Anabella would be removed from my sister’s custody, he immediately asked if we could take her.  I was very concerned about taking on too much and the strange family dynamics that could result.  He insisted it was the right thing for the baby and for our family.  Still on the fence about what we wanted, Chris and I travelled back to Denver for Christmas and my baby shower the weekend after Anabella was born. 

My sister and mom came to my shower and I remember my sister showing me Anabella’s newborn photos from the hospital.  I remember how sad I felt for how much pain and suffering Anabella must be going through and how angry I felt about how nonchalant my sister was about all of it.  I gave my sister a gorgeous winter snow suit for the baby and then took her and my mom in the other room to talk about the details. [I never learned what became of the photos or the winter snow suit.]  I was still so angry, but it was important for me to know the situation.  I asked my sister what was happening, and she said Anabella would go into a foster home if someone didn’t step in to take her.  I asked if she planned on getting clean to get the baby back.  She swore to me that she was committed and told me how much she loved her daughter.  It took all of my will power not to go off on what a funny way she has of showing her love.

Chris and I spent the weekend discussing with various family members what the plan was, but unfortunately family members who were local were unable to pass the home study.  Everyone else, including us, who could pass the home study lived out of state, which left my sister unable to work a parenting plan.  Anabella went into foster care, and having been there myself I worried about her all of the time.  I was hoping that my sister could get her act together, but I knew deep down she very likely would not be able to.

[I plan to bracket sections that I did not learn about until after Charlotte came home to us, but it’s a very important part of her history.  I am so thankful we have all of these wonderful people in our lives who can help fill in the blanks for us.

On February 13, 2008, a Legal Risk/Foster-to-Adopt mother received a phone call that there was a 2 month old baby girl who was match for her.  She had planned on naming her next child Isabelle and when she was told the baby’s name was Anabelle, she thought the name was perfect and she could still honor the baby’s original name.  She chose Elaine as Anabelle’s middle name, in honor of the foster mother’s mother.  She picked Anabelle up from the receiving foster home the very next day.  It was Valentine’s Day and she fell in love immediately.  She described Anabelle as beautiful, a big head of hair, so tiny and sweet—the best Valentine anyone could wish for.  Anabelle went home to a big sister and to a family who was waiting for her to come home.  They purchased furniture and decorated a nursery.  They were waiting for her arrival, just like I was awaiting the arrival of Cooper. 

Family members are supposed to be contacted prior to a child being placed in a Legal Risk home.  The intent of a legal risk home is adoption, and 85% of the time the foster parents adopt.  The foster mother had no idea family members had expressed interest in the baby.

For a month, the foster mother did not hear a word from the social worker.  In March, they started doing visits with my sister. 

Those visits did not last long...]

In mid-March 2008, only a month from my own due date, I spoke to my sister and she told me that the lawyers and social workers told her she was doing very well and on the road to getting the baby back.  I really wanted to believe it, but Chris and I continued to discuss the possibility of placing the baby with us and adopting.  I was still incredibly worried about the strange family dynamics and about bringing two babies into our family so close together.  I was overwhelmed with the idea of parenting one, let alone two at one time.  Chris was so absolutely sure – he had never wavered.

Learning that the baby would be placed for adoption – March/April 2008

[At the end of March 2008, the foster mother was told that my sister had lost visitation rights and that social services was going to move to termination of rights because my sister was going back to jail.]

In early April 2008, only two weeks before Cooper was born, my youngest sister called and told me that she got word from the social worker that the baby would be placed for adoption because my sister would be going back to jail for breaking parole.  My youngest sister, who was only 21 at the time, told me that she was planning to take the baby if I didn’t want to.  And at that moment I knew, I just knew this was it.  The decision was made.  I might not be ready, but I didn’t see how there was any other choice.  She was my niece and I loved her.  My husband wanted to be her dad.

We contacted the social worker and she told us that they were still working on getting the baby home to my sister, but that she would be in contact with us.  I reiterated the importance of wanting to adopt and that we were only a few weeks out from my due date, so it would be best if she gave us regular updates so that we could plan accordingly. 

[At the end of April, the social worker told the foster mother that there was an Aunt who was interested, but that I was an unlikely choice because I was pregnant, that I was not showing much interested, and I was being guilt tripped into considering Anabelle.  The social worker told the foster mother that she could email me and discuss the possibility of an open adoption, to allow relationships, visits, and the opportunity to be a part of Anabelle’s life.  The social worker never gave the foster mother my email.]

In mid-May 2008 when Cooper was 4 weeks old, we travelled to Denver to have family and friends meet Cooper.  I emailed the social worker (her preferred method of contact) to let her know that we would be in town for a couple of weeks and asked if we could meet with her to get an update on the case, and possibly see the baby.  I never heard back from her.  While we were in town, we asked family what the situation was and nobody had an update.  Remember that I was still battling recovery from giving birth, learning how to breast feed, and being completely sleep deprived.  The fact that I had it in me to continue figuring out the situation with my niece still surprises me.

[On the last day of May, the foster mother finally had another meeting with the social worker, after not seeing her for a couple of months.  The foster mother again asked about the Aunt who was interested.  The social worker told the foster mother she had not spoken to me, she had no contact with me and that my mom had mentioned I had been in town a couple weeks prior, but since I had not contacted her, the social worker assumed I was no longer interested.  The foster mother asked about the up-coming court date on June 11th and the social worker said social services would be asking for a pre-termination hearing.]

When we got back to California and had moved into our new place on June 1, 2008, I emailed the social worker to get an update and give her our new address.  (My boss called from work only a week after we moved and offered me a promotion to my first management job.  I let him know that I would still be on maternity leave until August, but I was happy to accept the promotion.) 

Learning that she would be coming home

[On June 12th after three emails to the social worker to ask about court, the foster mother was told that the judge had expedited a home study on the Aunt and she and her husband would likely be taking Anabelle.  The next hearing was set for July.]

The social worker did not call until mid-June.  During that phone call she let us know that my sister would have her rights terminated and that our home study could be done very quickly.  She also told me that my sister would willingly terminate her rights, if we were the ones to take the baby.  Chris and I were excited to learn that we would be adding a daughter to our lives.  The social worker proceeded to tell us that the foster mother was having a hard time with everything and wanted the baby moved as quickly as possible.  I asked why and the social worker told me for the first time it because the foster mother was planning to adopt.

When I got off the phone I looked at my husband and asked, “Now what should we do?  It breaks my heart that I am potentially taking away another woman’s child.” I felt confused and torn because I loved my niece and wanted her to come home, but not to cause anyone that kind of pain in order to do so.  Chris agreed that it was a terrible situation, but that we were looking out for the baby’s best interest, and that the right place for her is with family and home with us.  He again never wavered from wanting to be a father to this baby.  And again I was torn all over again.  Up until this point, it was the desire of the entire family to have the baby placed within the family or returned to my sister.  It wasn’t until we got the news of the foster mother wanting to adopt, that we even considered another option. 

We sought opinions from family and friends.  The reactions were everything from, “That’s really amazing.  We support you in whatever you need” to “Are you sure?  I mean you and Chris have really good genetic stock.  Do you really want to involve yourself in the life of a drug addict and take on a child that may need significant care for the rest of her life?”.  That was the first time we learned that people say some really shitty things, even those who are family or close friends.

I did some soul searching and I when I imagined my life and my relationship to this baby, I didn’t see myself as her Aunt.  I felt compelled to raise her as my daughter.

[The foster mother attempted to contact the social worker.  She felt desperate and helpless, and most of all blind-sided.  The social worker showed up to the monthly visit on the last day of June.  The foster mother asked the social worker again if she could contact me.  The social worker said, “Sorry, we don’t do that,” and changed the subject.  It was when the foster mother knew the social worker never had any intention of letting her make contact with me.  They spent every day of June praying and hoping that I would have a change of heart.  She felt like she was being told that the bond she had with Anabelle meant nothing and that they were just ordinary foster parents, nothing more than babysitters.  She felt like it could have made a difference to me if she was only allowed to tell me about the love they had given Anabelle for the last several months.  She was never allowed to try and to add insult to injury, she had never been told the truth of the situation or kept up to date.]

At the beginning of July I added in extra pumping sessions to build up extra milk supply for our daughter who would be coming home.  Our home study was completed by mid-July 2008.  It was such a strange experience after having given birth to Cooper.  We had to have finger printing done, background checks done, and we had to answer a lot of very personal questions.  Questions about our finances, our relationship with one another, how we were raised, what our parenting philosophies were, and so much more.  A social worker came to interview us after we wrote our essays, to make sure we were telling the truth and also to make sure we had sufficient space in our house, as well as checking to make sure it was clean and safe.  The process was so invasive to me.

After we received word that we ‘passed’, we called family and friends to announce our good news.  We had responses that ranged from, “That is so great, we are so happy for you guys,” to “Well, what is she?  Is she black? No?  Well is she Mexican?”.  Again we were floored at the shitty things people say.

We waited for only two weeks for her to come home.  We went shopping.  We suddenly needed two of everything.  Another crib.  Another carseat.  Our single stroller was useless.  We were still adjusting to being new parents and I was terrified.  I quickly learned why pregnancy was 9 months – you need that time to mentally adjust!

I went back to work on Wednesday, July 30, 2008.  Charlotte came home on Friday, August 1, 2008 at 4:38 pm.

Part 2 – First Month Home