A Tree Grows In Brooklyn Artwork

My favorite book is a Tree Grows in Brooklyn – and that’s saying a lot because I read upwards of 70 books a year.  I’ve mentioned it here before, but I love that book because the story reflects my own life story.  I have been wanting a new tattoo that is a reminder of my fortitude – something specific to me and unique in design.  I wanted it to encompass the innocence and strength of my 7 yr old self, my love for education/learning/books, and the growth I’ve had throughout my life.  I also knew I wanted the artwork to be inspired by A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, so I reached out to an artist I know from an online photography forum.  I knew Joanna at A Bit of Whimsy Art was the perfect artist for this piece.  She listened to everything I wanted and most importantly was inspired by my story, which is obvious in the final pencil drawing and watercolor painting (scanned image) below.  I’ve added the quote from the book I plan to add to the final tattoo design.  That will be stage 2 – finding a tattoo artist!

And always, there was the magic of learning things.

Update on us

I am just so tired lately.  Mostly because I’m stressed and nervous for my ballet recital on Saturday.  Swan Lake is a technically challenging ballet and I have several parts to remember, not just the choreography, but also the technical elements of what I’ve learned in ballet.  I’m very impressed with my progress, but being a perfectionist and a ballerina don’t always go hand in hand.

I’m looking forward to taking a break from ballet for the summer.  My knee has been bothering me for a couple of months and I think I have a slight pull in my hamstring/groin from working on my splits.  I plan to switch to lifting and running for the remainder of June through about mid-August.  We have three obstacle runs – end of July (Rugged Maniac), mid-August (Warrior Dash), and mid-September (Tough Mudder), so I need to train for those.  We also all start piano lessons in July so that will fill up any time I was using for ballet.

We have several house projects we getting ready to kick off too.  Our AC quit working and the repair company has isolated the problem.  We think the part is under warranty so hopefully it will be fixed soon.  Our microwave also went out, so we need to figure out if it’s an easy fix/under warranty of if we need to buy a new one.  We ripped out all of our front yard shrubs and flower beds and re-did them all.  It was a ton of work.  When they revive a bit from the recent hail, I will take some pictures. 

We need to replace some screens and eventually get new windows for the front of the house (sun hits the front all day, so they aren’t in great shape…other windows are fine).  We will be getting new carpet and refinishing the hardwood floors.  This also means that we need to pick a new stair banister and vanity for the powder room so we can just do everything at once.  I have some sewing projects (covering the ottoman and putting up some new curtains) and Chris has some woodworking projects for the kids.  Not sure when we will fit all that in!

Chris and I are both glad to be in the home stretch of illness/dental/surgery stuff.  I’ve had 3 root canals in the last 10 years or so and all three of them have had to be re-done because the original dentist missed at least two canals in each tooth, resulting in re-infection.  The endodontist says I have strange tooth anatomy (my roots don’t go straight, they twist around each other like a strand of DNA).  I only have one more to re-do and then I should be done.  Chris is finishing up physical therapy for his neck surgery (disc replacement).  He is excited to get back to lifting and running.

Cooper and Charlotte are out of school for the summer, which is quite a change for Chris.  They go to the summer care program twice a week and we will put them in some kind of sport camp or special interest camp, plus swim lessons.  We will be getting new bikes for everyone because the plan is to get them off training wheels.  I’m excited for them.

Cooper is growing like a weed.  He is wearing size medium shirts, size 10 pants and size 3 shoes.  He still feels so young sometimes, but he is just so giant.  I am glad my strength training has allowed me to continue lifting him and holding him.  All 61 pounds of him.  He is reading at about a second grade level and loves to learn as much as I do.  He especially loves math and science, so we both enjoy doing math trivia with each other and completing science experiments.

Charlotte is as sweet as ever.  She is incredibly emotionally intelligent and can read moods very easily.  She knows how to make everyone around her have a better day or when they just need a hug.  She has decided she wants to sing at the Talent Show next year, so she and I practice singing songs at night before bed.  I plan to take voice lessons next year because of how much she loves music and singing.  It’s something I want to share with her.  Charlotte really, really wants to play baseball this summer and then do soccer again in the fall.  She is so dang sporty and just a natural at all of it.  I am envious at how easy it comes to her!  She and Chris can watch hours of sports together.

The pediatrician recently diagnosed Charlotte with ADHD and suggests medicating.  Charlotte scored 15/18 on the parent form and 18/18 on the teacher form.  We aren’t surprised at the diagnosis.  The next step will be to go to psychiatrist to get an official diagnosis and prescription for medication.  We will also see a psychologist for behavior therapy, likely before we start medication.  I’m worried about medicating her at such a young age, and I’m especially worried about the side effects of the medication, especially with appetite suppression.  Nutrition is the most important thing in brain development and the combination of changing her brain chemistry with medication, plus affecting her diet has me worried. 

So we’re off to a busy summer.  I think life is just busy.  Hopefully Chris and I can sneak away for a long weekend this summer.  We have a friend’s wedding in October in Mexico, so we are super excited to get away then.

Being Charlotte’s mom

As a result of my mother passing, my sister (Charlotte’s birth mom) is suddenly in my life again after many years of having no contact.  Charlotte has been very curious about her little life and we have been answering many questions lately.  She has asked repeatedly to meet my sister and also her older siblings.  We have absolutely wanted more contact with her siblings, but we have been cautious with my sister.  I am still cautious, but she seems to be putting her life back together.  I am happy for her and proud of her progress.  I am completely okay with contact as long as she keeps her life on track and Charlotte wants the contact.

I know Charlotte knows me as her mom but it is hard to share motherhood with another woman, even if that woman is my sister.  What I have to keep remembering is that it simply means Charlotte has even more people to love her.  I feel incredible happiness for Charlotte being able to have that connection with her siblings and my sister, but I also am left with feelings of confusion.  I want so much to protect Charlotte’s heart.  I would be lying if I didn’t say I want to protect mine too.  And despite everything, my heart still breaks for my sister.

So here we are entering a new chapter of our lives.  My sister and I learning how to be sisters again, in whatever capacity that might look like.  Charlotte learning she can be a daughter and sister in two families.  And somewhere along the line all the kids teaching us that the situation isn’t nearly as complicated as the adults think it is.  Except maybe Cooper – the first question he asked was, “Why couldn’t Charlotte stay with you?”   (My sister answered his question with grace and honestly, using the same language we use with the kids:  Charlotte needed to go to a family who could give her all the things I couldn’t give her because I was making a lot of poor choices in life.)

On a side note, I am very, very tall compared to my family members, especially my sister.  She is only about 5’2” and all of her children are tiny.  The oldest is 12…Cooper isn’t much shorter than him. It was hard for me to see him as his real age because of his height.  Now I know how other people view Cooper.

And because I was astounded to see pictures of her older brother when he was baby—Charlotte looks so much like him! (Charlotte on the left for all pictures.)

17 years later

When I was 17 I had to write an essay for the Boettcher Scholarship application.  When I read my essay 17 years later, I realize how many truths it still holds.  The last paragraph reads:

My mother has since faded in and out of our lives, not considering the fact that to call herself a mother is not even relevant in the minds of her children.  Fighting most of the way, I have finally accepted the responsibility and mind-frame of being a mother not only to my siblings, but to myself as well.  In addition to helping develop the characters of my brother and sister, I have also given my dad perseverance and ambition.  As for myself—there is something more to life, always was, and always will be.  A family is ‘supposed’ to be just the way it is.

(I truly believe it was my essay that landed me the Boettcher Scholarship.  My 12th grade AP English teacher helped me ensure every word mattered.  I feel luck to have had so many caring teachers during my academic career.)

Leaping the abyss

It has been a strange couple of weeks for me.  I feel like I have this abyss between my childhood and my adulthood.  It seems so impassable and I don’t know exactly when I made the final leap to the other side.   Seeing my mom and interacting with so many of my family members has left me with vertigo.  I don’t feel like I can hold both sides in me at once.

As an adult, I’m struggling to choose to be around the chaos of my dysfunctional family, when, as I child I had no choice, and desperately wanted to be any where but with my dysfunctional family.  Mostly I feel tired.  Tired of trying not to hurt someone’s feelings.  Tired of trying to connect beyond the simple fact that we are related.  Tired of worrying about if my reaction to the situation is viewed as appropriate.  Tired of being told how to feel.  Tired of feeling like none of this fits in the life I have built for myself.

How is it that I can feel both apathy and grief that I will soon no longer have either of my parents alive?  My parents weren’t parents, but they were the only kind of parents they knew how to be.   I feel like my mom passing will be like the bridge to other side being cut down and I feel incredible sadness equal to a happy relief.

I can finally understand why it takes so many generations to break the cycle of poverty and substance abuse.  The the abyss looks to be impossible to cross from this side.  It is no small feat to take that final leap.