I've been working on wedding invitations for a co-worker (yes I'm somehow doing this again after I did Ursula's and Kate's - which I don't have a picture of yet). I was really excited about this 'job' because all I had to do was the design work, which is the part I love. My co-worker and her family were going to do the assembly which is the part I like the least.
Well as it turns out they already had the design of what they wanted in their head and they wanted very little of my input. I'm not happy with the final outcome and I just want to be done working with her on it. I'm annoyed enough to not even take a picture of it.
The other thing I happen to be annoyed about? The weird questions we get about the adoption that we don't get about having a biological child. Today I got the question 'Why did you adopt her?' I know the person didn't mean anything malicious, but I think that is such a weird question--I never get 'Why did you get pregnant?'
I answered "She was adopted for the same reason we had our son - to grow our family. Maybe I don't understand your question? Do you mean, How did we know that adoption was right for our family?, or What type of adoption did we choose?"
I didn't feel this way before the finalization, but I really feel protective about Charlotte's privacy. Her adoption story is for her to tell. I'm okay discussing adoption, but the details of her adoption are private and for the perfect stranger, I just think it's reasonable to respect our privacy, while at the same time be able to ask questions to learn about adoption. I'm okay if the person admittedly recognizes that they aren't sure how to ask the right question, otherwise I get annoyed.
In case you are interested here is an article about Positive Adoption Language.
2 comments:
Thank you for posting this. As you know, I'm guilty of using negative adoption language, but after exchanging a few emails with you, I've changed my words quite a bit. I didn't want to unintentionally insult or hurt anyone.
I will not begin to say I can understand how you feel about Charlotte's adoption being private, but I can tell you that I think you're right. It makes sense to me and in that regard, it's too bad that the two kids are so close to each other in age. If they were even a year apart, you wouldn't get nearly as many comments.
I do like the way you answered the question, though. It was a nice response that shows the person that their perceptions about adoption are just negative.
I don't have any good thoughts on how you can fix the problem, but I do think you handle it very gracefully.
I do not think people always mean what you think they do. I think people are naturally curious and nosy. When they see a person with two kids so close together, I am sure they just want to know why you would adopt so soon after having a baby. It certainly is not what most people would view as a traditional choice. Other times I think people wonder if you have a fertility issue or something like that. I believe most of the time people just are curious and want to know other people's stories. I can relate to that, I am also a story person. I am constantly wondering what other peoples stories are. Michele has gotten strange questions before about Abby. I think her mixed race raises the issue more often. But we just remember people mean well and just want to know. Plus, through answering these people's questions, we have actually found that some of them want to know, because they want to adopt, and they want to know your story. I believe we have lead several people to Adopting through foster care by being open to their questions.
I agree with you on Charlotte's story being her own. But I also think that it is your FAMILY story. I think that listening to you share her story with pride and enthusiasm will make her proud of who she is and how special she was to have so many people love and want her when she was born. Share it like you do Coopers birth story, it will become a part of your whole family story. Does that make sense? How many kids can say they had three mommy figures who loved her more than life. You do not ever have to share the more personal aspects of the story, but I think the more you share with people the more people realize how beautiful and fulfilling adoption can be! :)
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