Giving myself permission

We had planned to start piano lessons as a family in May, but then moved it to June to be after my ballet recital.  It seemed like an ideal plan at the start of the new year, but then life happened.  Chris had neck surgery in March which set back his progress in karate.  The kids did soccer in the spring, so they took a break from karate.  They started karate back up this summer, as did Chris, but the kids also had swim lessons this summer.  Chris’ uncle passed very close to the same time my mom passed away in May, which has created some emotional ripples in our lives.  I’ve felt like I’m going through a transition of a big chapter of my life closing, and feeling as though I’m on the cusp of my life taking a different direction.  Nothing concrete driven by me, just a feeling I have.

It’s now mid-August and we haven’t looked around to buy a piano, and only barely looked for a teacher.  Chris and I are still training for all of our obstacle runs, school starts next week, and so does ballet season.  The kids and Chris are still doing karate, and both kids both want to do soccer again this fall.  The reality is that piano lessons don’t sound fun, but rather just one more thing to add to our plate.  I have come to the realization that I’m not taking care of my mental health and it’s taking a toll.  I’m constantly stressed.  I’m cutting my sleep short.  I’m not making time for important friendships.  I just feel generally down – what I feel just before I slip into depression.

So I’m changing course.  It has taken me two months to give myself permission to do so.  I am still learning at a fast pace with ballet and perhaps this ‘new thing’ is really more of a multi-year learning.  I’m not ready to give it up in place of something else.  It’s unreasonable to think that I have time to truly take on another new hobby when I spend 6-10 hours a week doing ballet.

The new thing I’m learning for the last half of 2014 is learning how to just be.  How to do nothing.  I plan to do mediation first to see if I can get to the point of turning my brain off for a bit.  I am constantly doing something – reading, working out, cooking/shopping for food/meal planning, working, goofing off on the internet, researching, cleaning, organizing, being social, etc.  With all of my responsibilities and interests, I often find myself trying to multi-task.  I do not sit down and do absolutely nothing.  Ever.  In fact I feel like I don’t know how.  So I’m going to learn to do nothing, and with it, hopefully give myself permission to just be.

Piano lessons can wait (as can the rest of this way-too-ambitious list).  I only feel relief.