Adult weekend

We had plans to go visit some friends in Vail. Take a one night trip to see the aspen change and maybe even enjoy some snow. Unfortunately our friends got sick, so instead of cancelling everything, we decided to keep the time for us and go stay downtown.

We got a room at the Hyatt, which is a gorgeous hotel. We’ve been to many work events/parties at this hotel. That night there was some gala benefitting Children’s hospital. I loved seeing all the people dressed up in black tie attire.  We had a great view mountain and city view from our hotel room.

We had dinner at a Fogo de Chao, a Brazilian steakhouse. The food was delicious, but I was sad they didn’t have my favorite dessert on the menu – Tres Leches. Instead we got a caramel topped cheesecake. It was delicious.

We enjoyed walking downtown and people watching. The hotel bar on the top floor was fantastic with good drinks. It was so awesome to have alone time and reconnect!

Charlotte’s baby sister

I don’t discuss many details about Charlotte’s birth mother (my sister) on my blog because I am not comfortable discussing details about somebody else’s life. Many people ask if we are in contact with her birthmother, but I need to give some background in order to answer that question.

My sister and I were never very close, mostly because we couldn’t be more opposite. Additionally, after my mom and dad got divorced, she went to live with our mom and I lived with my dad. I was 11 years old and she was 8, almost 9 years old at the time of the divorce. We rarely saw each other during our teenage years, for many reasons that are too private to share here.

There is a fine balance in explaining why I have complicated feelings about my family and sharing too much of their personal life. I have many amazing memories of my mom’s side of the family. The love, the laughter, our culture, the cousins who will always remain some of my best friends.

At the same time I have a lot of memories that remind me why I’ve worked so hard to break the cycle of poverty and substance abuse. I have a a lot more memories that remind me every day why it was so important to me to give Charlotte the best fighting chance in life, and adopt. By redefining our relationship as mother/daughter from aunt/niece, I have had to make some hard decisions about the relationships I have with family members. I always put Charlotte’s best interests first.

Perhaps one day I will discuss in more detail my childhood. Right now, I just don’t know how to do that without hurting people I still love and care about, despite the lack of relationship I have with them. I am only reminded of a quote from a favorite book, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn:

A person who pulls himself up from a low environment via the boot-strap route has two choices. Having risen above his environment, he can forget it; or, he can rise above it and never forget it and keep compassion in his heart for those has left behind him in the cruel up climb.

Charlotte has 3 biological siblings, an older brother Damien (now age 13, I believe), and older sister Mia (now age 10, I believe), and a younger sister Lillie (now age 3). None of the children are in the care of my sister. I am incredibly sad that I do not have contact with my nephew, Damien, and niece, Mia. We are working on making contact, but it will likely get complicated.

Lillie’s parents are my first cousins (also my sister’s first cousins) from my mom’s oldest brother. Lillie is a thriving, healthy, smart, polite, funny little girl. We keep up with them mostly through facebook, but we do get together every now and then. All of us feel strongly that it’s important to give the girls an opportunity to develop a relationship with each other.

During their visit the other night, we found out the girls have a lot in common, both personality and interests. Neither Charlotte nor Lillie like dolls, dresses, or princesses. They LOVE the movies Cars and Despicable Me. They can’t get enough of playing with trains, and Thomas is their favorite character. They both love music – singing and playing instruments, and both can easily memorize lyrics.

Charlotte showed Lillie her new Planes race track. And they played trains together.

And somehow all the kids are incredibly accepting that Lillie is Charlotte’s sister, but also Cooper’s cousin.

Adoption Discussions

Now that Charlotte is getting older I’m finding myself less and less comfortable answering questions on her behalf in regards to her adoption. I’ve always believed that it is Charlotte’s story to be told and she can choose who to share it with. At the same time, I realize that as her mom it is my job to make sure she has the words to proudly discuss how she joined our family. It makes my heart sing when I hear, not only Charlotte, but also Cooper, tell other people about our family.

The kids had their kindergarten screening a few days before the first day of school. When we arrived all of the kindergarten teachers were in one classroom. One of the teachers began asking the kids questions. First question – “Are you both going to be in kindergarten?” The kids answered with a resounding “YES!”. The teacher then asked, “How old are you?”. At the same time, Charlotte answered, “Five!” and Cooper said, “We are both five!”

And that’s when the teacher asked the question we get every single time we answer the ‘how old are they?’ question:

“Are you twins?” The teacher looked at Chris and I, and we gave nothing away. We just smiled and let the kids answer the questions.

Without missing a beat and without looking back at us to confirm if they should answer, this is what happened:

Cooper: No.

Charlotte: ::stands taller, puffs chest, while pointing with her thumb over to Cooper, said in a clear proud voice:: I was adopted and he is biological.

Teacher (to Cooper): So you’re her brother, then? (said confused and tentatively)

Cooper: Yes.?. :said in a very questioning way, like what else would I be??::

And with that the conversation ended. I never realized how much more polite adults are with questions when it is a child answering.

A similar conversation recently took place with the cashier at Old Navy:

Cashier: How old are you guys?

Cooper: We’re both 5.

Cashier: Are you twins?

Cooper: No.

Charlotte: He is biological. ::jutting her thumb toward Cooper with a very clear eye roll and tone that says ‘Not sure how that happened.’::

So, I think we have successfully given them words to explain our family in such a way that we are all proud.

Charlotte’s Vocabulary

Charlotte has started using many words she hears us say.  Sometimes she can’t think of the right word, so she describes what she means.  I love hearing her figure out new vocabulary.

Charlotte:  I don’t have anything to wear!!

Me:  You have a dresser full of clothes, go look again.

Charlotte:  [Runs off to look and comes back empty handed.]  I don’t have any confident clothes.

Me:  You don’t have any confident clothes?  Do you want help?

Charlotte:  Yes, please.  I need to find something confident.

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Charlotte:  Can we listen to my favorite one of ‘You are my sunshine’?  It’s been a long time and it’s way back in my mind.

Me:  Yes, we can listen to the song on my phone.  It has been while.

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She will also tell us everything is awkward, even if it doesn’t make any sense:

‘Smiley is playing with her toy.  Awkward!’

‘I got a new shirt. Awkward!’

‘You forgot to get potatoes at the store! Awkward!’

Dating as a kindergartner

 

Cooper: Mommy, I have a girlfriend.

Me: Oh, you have a girlfriend?

Cooper: Yes.  Do you want to know her name?

Me:  Yes, what is your girlfriend’s name?

Cooper:  Sofia.

Me:  That’s a pretty name.  Is Sofia in your class?

Cooper:  Yes.

Me:  Does Sofia know that she is your girlfriend?

Cooper:  Yes.  She asked me.  And I thought it was a good idea.

Me:  What does she look like?

Cooper:  [Silence.]

Me:  Is she tall or is she short?

Cooper:  She is short.

Me:  What color is her hair?

Cooper:  [Silence]

Me:  Is it like Maile’s hair (blonde) or like Charlotte’s hair (dark brown)?

Cooper:  It’s like Maile’s and like Charlotte’s hair.

Me:  So it’s brown, but lighter than Charlotte’s.  What do you do with your girlfriend?

Cooper:  I give her a lift so she can reach the red bar.

Me:  Well, that’s very nice of you.

Cooper:  Yep.  I don’t need a lift, I can reach the red bar all by myself.  Sofia tries to give me a lift, but she doesn’t have to.  I can do it by myself.