I don’t discuss many details about Charlotte’s birth mother (my sister) on my blog because I am not comfortable discussing details about somebody else’s life. Many people ask if we are in contact with her birthmother, but I need to give some background in order to answer that question.
My sister and I were never very close, mostly because we couldn’t be more opposite. Additionally, after my mom and dad got divorced, she went to live with our mom and I lived with my dad. I was 11 years old and she was 8, almost 9 years old at the time of the divorce. We rarely saw each other during our teenage years, for many reasons that are too private to share here.
There is a fine balance in explaining why I have complicated feelings about my family and sharing too much of their personal life. I have many amazing memories of my mom’s side of the family. The love, the laughter, our culture, the cousins who will always remain some of my best friends.
At the same time I have a lot of memories that remind me why I’ve worked so hard to break the cycle of poverty and substance abuse. I have a a lot more memories that remind me every day why it was so important to me to give Charlotte the best fighting chance in life, and adopt. By redefining our relationship as mother/daughter from aunt/niece, I have had to make some hard decisions about the relationships I have with family members. I always put Charlotte’s best interests first.
Perhaps one day I will discuss in more detail my childhood. Right now, I just don’t know how to do that without hurting people I still love and care about, despite the lack of relationship I have with them. I am only reminded of a quote from a favorite book, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn:
A person who pulls himself up from a low environment via the boot-strap route has two choices. Having risen above his environment, he can forget it; or, he can rise above it and never forget it and keep compassion in his heart for those has left behind him in the cruel up climb.
Charlotte has 3 biological siblings, an older brother Damien (now age 13, I believe), and older sister Mia (now age 10, I believe), and a younger sister Lillie (now age 3). None of the children are in the care of my sister. I am incredibly sad that I do not have contact with my nephew, Damien, and niece, Mia. We are working on making contact, but it will likely get complicated.
Lillie’s parents are my first cousins (also my sister’s first cousins) from my mom’s oldest brother. Lillie is a thriving, healthy, smart, polite, funny little girl. We keep up with them mostly through facebook, but we do get together every now and then. All of us feel strongly that it’s important to give the girls an opportunity to develop a relationship with each other.
During their visit the other night, we found out the girls have a lot in common, both personality and interests. Neither Charlotte nor Lillie like dolls, dresses, or princesses. They LOVE the movies Cars and Despicable Me. They can’t get enough of playing with trains, and Thomas is their favorite character. They both love music – singing and playing instruments, and both can easily memorize lyrics.
Charlotte showed Lillie her new Planes race track. And they played trains together.
And somehow all the kids are incredibly accepting that Lillie is Charlotte’s sister, but also Cooper’s cousin.
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