Hardest Year of My Life

I truly believe this may be one of the most difficult years of my life.  I've never had to deal with so much change at one time and it is truly testing my sense of self.  Most everyone who knows me, knows that I am a very confident person.  I believe I can do anything I set my mind to, I know who I am and it's tough to shake that foundation.  These last few months have done just that.

Having a baby is the most wonderful and most terrifying experience I've had in my life so far.  From the detached feelings I had right after birth, the baby blues, my distorted body image, and to the elation I feel when Cooper laughs, smiles, and is overcome with joy to see me has touched me deep into my core.

Moving from the only home I have had in California was tough, but being cramped into a small apartment is even tougher.  I can't imagine how oversized a house will feel when we move back home.

Going back to work at a new job where I don't know what I'm doing is incredibly overwhelming.  Combine that with missing my family for the 10 hours I am away from them is simply heartbreaking.

The change in my relationship with my husband is something completely unexpected.  I love him more now than I ever have but at the same time I miss him and us so much.  I don't think I ever appreciated how much 'us' time we had before kids.  It is tough to keep the husband/wife relationship solid when so much of our time is spent focused on being parents.  We both are learning how to balance both roles.

And then there is the adoption.  I simply had no idea.  I don't know if I was ready for two kids just yet, but it doesn't really matter.  The truth is that adoption is so very different than giving birth, yet the end result is so very much the same.  The feelings of detachment and baby blues are the same, and so is the overwhelming joy and happiness of seeing my children together or holding her in my arms while she caresses my cheek.  It is the best thing in the whole world! 

So, will I survive?  Yes.  Will it be hard?  I probably have no idea how hard.  Will I need help?  Probably more than I would like to admit.  Is it worth it?  A resounding yes.  My throat aches with the joy I feel.  My life is perfect just the way it is.

Okay...on to some other stuff before I start crying...

In case you haven't noticed I've been doing some remodeling of the blog.  My new addiction?  Scrapblog!  It's like scrapbooking without the mess of paper!  So fun.  The header isn't perfect, but it's not bad for a first pass at figuring out how to use the program.  I can't wait to do more.  I might even use it to design Charlotte's announcements.  (Which I need to figure out how I should do...should they be for when she came home to us, or for when the adoption is finalized?)

We made a decision about getting our deposit back with the landlord.  At most we are looking at walking away from $1500.  It might seem like a lot, but for the stress and headache it's causing us, it doesn't seem like enough to put up with it all.  Besides we figure even if we win in court, it is unlikely that we would ever see the money anyhow.  We are firm believers in karma so we're walking away from it all.  They clearly need the money more than us.

As most everyone knows I work for an oil company where the average age is 47 and the average experience is 20 years.  My team?  Our average age is 27 and our TOTAL combined experience is only 11 years.  My experience alone is over half that.  That is nearly unheard of.  But, I love my new team anyhow!  I have some really great people working for me. 

We will be coming to town in September.  I decided not to do recruiting at Mines because I can't go on both trips that are 3 weeks apart and the organization for my class reunion is all over the place, so I'm not going to that either.  We plan to fly in late Sept 9 and then leave early Sept 15.  This will give us 4 full days in town.  We really hope people can come to us because we thought driving around with one baby was a lot...with two it is TONS of work.  I will email out more details when I have them.

Charlotte updates:

Charlotte came home to us such a happy, easy baby.  She appears to be showing her true colors lately.  She is starting to throw some tantrums, yells until someone pays attention to her ever.single.second.every.day and battles us at every meal time.  I don't think there is a way to discipline an 8 month old.  We think it might be a stage she's going through so we try to ignore most of her antics and give her plenty of positive love and attention.  Instead of getting frustrated at meal times, we walk away and get something done until she's ready to eat again.  It usually takes less than 5 minutes. 

We have made almost all of the homemade baby food.  The homemade food has more texture so she gags on it at first until she gets used to it.  She has started gumming the food, and grabbing the spoon, so finger foods are next.  I gave her a green bean and bits of a banana and she seemed to love it.  She also loves the fruit in the mesh bag.  She had her first taste of ketchup--completely on accident after she grabbed at my plate--and thought it was delicious. 

She is a speed demon with rolling and can get all over the house in about 30 seconds.  She loves to roll herself into my beach bag or baby wrap.  She also loves Scout's dog bowls and toys, so that's been fun. 

She is starting to scoot backwards so we think crawling will be happening fairly soon.  She is also a master at the mimic game.  It has been fun to teach her new things.  She now does 'bye-bye' and 'hi-hi', peek-a-boo, and claps her hands when we say 'yay'.  She will clap her hands or bang on the floor when we burp Cooper and she also will laugh or squeal back at Cooper when he makes noises at her. 

Cooper Updates

I think we've decided that Cooper may not be constipated, he just doesn't need to poop as often.   I've done some reading and apparently babies begin to digest the breastmilk differently as they get older.  Basically they get more of what they need out of it and so less of it goes to waste.  They do this instead of increasing the amount of breastmilk they consume. 

Cooper can successfully put himself to sleep and now goes to bed at 8:20 on his own.  It is great!  He is rolling over both ways back to tummy, but not tummy to back yet.  He can prop himself on his arms when he is on his tummy though.  We are going to retire the swing soon because he seems annoyed by it now and doesn't sleep much in it.  Sort of makes me sad because it means he's not a little baby anymore!

He is perfecting his eye hand coordination and reaches out to grab things and rarely misses.  He has gotten very grabby!!  He pinches and scratches like crazy.  Scout sometimes doesn't move away quick enough.  It's like he suddenly realized what his hands could do.

He also LOVES his feet.  He plays with them and sucks on his toes.  So cute to watch!   And his new thing is to put things over his face.  It started with his new lovey, the burp cloth.

Now, he just loves to have things on his face.  (In his crib after a nap.  He likes receiving blankets too.)

Here he is with the blanket AND a book today (yes that's a doll next to him...we're okay with our kids being unconventional--we are!  Actually it was my doll, but Charlotte seems to adore it so it goes on the floor with the rest of the toys.):

It sort of scares me because I worry that he can't breathe very well, but he always figures out how to move it!