It may be time for a change in the blogosphere

I am considering getting my own domain and consolidating my other two blogs, plus this one, into one place.  I am holding off, because this will require me to learn something new, and I am really, really trying to just be for a few months.  This ‘do nothing’ phase is turning out to be very hard for me.

The Normalcy of Open Adoption

Most everyone has read Charlotte’s adoption story and some of the other adoption posts (here, here, here, here, here, here, here) on the blog.  We are very open with both of our children on how they joined our family.  I don’t know what I ever expected with the idea of an open adoption, but because ours is a kinship adoption, I knew absolutely that it would be an open adoption.  It has only been in the last 6 months I have learned what the reality of open adoption looks like.  What is most surprising to me is how very normal it is.

I am proud of my sister and the work she is doing in her life.  When Charlotte asks for contact with her birth mother, my sister, I try to give opportunity for it to happen.  Charlotte is doing fall soccer (and is an impossibly awesome sweeper/goal tender) and she asked if my sister would be coming to her soccer games again.  So I invited my sister and now we see her about once a week, and sometimes also have lunch with her. 

I expected it to be awkward, or strange.  I expected there to be pregnant silences and lulls in the conversation.  I expected to feel jealous that Charlotte was excited to see her birth mother.  And somehow it’s none of those things at all.  It’s my little sister, needing a big sister to listen to her.  It’s a strong woman figuring out how to continue making mature decisions about her life, no matter how broken her heart is.  It is me learning how to forgive, and trust and be vulnerable with someone who could hurt not only me, but also my daughter.  It is my daughter feeling impossibly loved by two very important women in her life.  What else could I ask for in this wholly, very normal, open adoption?

Hair Routine Update

I posted last November about my hair routine.  I’ve had a couple of comments/personal emails asking me if I’m still doing the routine.  Up until about 5 months ago, yes I was.  Here is why I no longer am.

For about 9 months I really loved this method.  My hair was shiny, healthy, curly, full of volume.  Then I noticed that my hair seemed very dry.  I chalked it up to it being February and just due to the dry winter.  I went longer between washes – sometimes 6 days. I just ended up with this strangely unbalanced hair of very dirty/oily roots and very dry ends.  I tried less baking soda, but that only made it impossible to get my roots clean. 

Then I tried using conditioner again rather than Apple Cider Vinegar.  This helped make my ends slightly less dry but caused me to wash every 3 days or so because of the extra oil from the conditioner.  I just ended up with very unbalanced hair that was dry and straw-like at the ends and not clean at the roots.  So I bought no-poo shampoo and conditioner in March when we went to North Carolina.  I used this for about 2 months, washing every 3 days.  My hair became more lifeless and flat, although less dry, and my hair never felt clean.  I was washing every other day.  Out of frustration I went back to my Loreal professional shampoo for colored hair through the summer until I could research some other products.  I could wash every 2-3 days, but my hair remained flat and wouldn’t hold curl without hairspray, which only dried out my ends even more.

In the last month, I started seeing a new hair dresser at Matthew Morris Salon and began using Lush products exclusively for soaps, lotions, and face products.  I learned that Lush also made shampoo and conditioners in solid form.  I received some samples and switched my routine to using trichomania solid shampoo and big solid conditioner.  The shampoo does have sulfates in it, but upon further research (and relying on my somewhat faulty memory of chemistry and reaction engineering from college) this isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  A surfactant is necessary to actually clean oil from my hair and sulfate-free shampoos may not be enough to remove the oil (and dirt trapped on the oil).  I will also be trying some Keratase products, per my hair dresser’s recommendation, since I will be going darker in the fall.  I may need some protection from color fading, which can be worse when using sulfates.

With my lighter color, it looks bad to go longer than about 3 days, but my hair is back to the texture/volume/curl of the early days of baking soda use.  My hair is soft and doesn’t feel like straw, but full of volume and has the natural wave back.  It holds curl for several days without hairspray.  I’m only a couple weeks in, so we’ll see how it goes.  I’ve heard good things about this all natural shampoo as well, so I’m going to try that at some point.  I’m also going to switch to a silicone free hair oil.  I use Loreal Mythic Oil right now, and will be trying out Carol’s Daughter Monoi Oil. 

All that to say that I haven’t found the right combination of products for my hair.  I’m not sold on no-poo, or sulfate-free.

One day there will come a time…

Since Cooper came home from the hospital, I have consoled myself through all of the difficult times in parenting with the mantra, “One day there will come a time that I will no longer be able to, so enjoy the moment while I have it.” 

The growth spurts with 48 hours straight of breastfeeding when he was 3 weeks old.  And then one day, a few years later, he breastfed for the last time.

The incessant rocking until I thought my arms would fall off.  And then Charlotte came home and I realized I only had a few more months of my baby falling asleep in my arms.

The months and months of sleep deprivation until I couldn’t see straight.  And then I was no longer needed for soothing, and I couldn’t watch my baby drift off into sleep.

I saw this the other day:  One day your parents will put you down and never pick you up again. 

I am not a parent to get sad about my children moving to new stages, rather I am completely fascinated with their growth and development.  I don’t get sad about the first day of pre-school/kindy/next year.  I don’t get sad about getting rid of smaller clothes or old toys.  So, I was surprised at how sad I was feeling that the day I pick Cooper up, and then put him down forever, is coming all too quickly.

Cooper is now close to 70 lbs and he is probably about 4.5 feet tall.  Everyday I pick him up and I wonder if yesterday was the day I put him down for the last time.  I, too, am starting to wish for the impossible.  It makes me cherish Charlotte all the more – I will likely have years more of picking her up!

Giving myself permission

We had planned to start piano lessons as a family in May, but then moved it to June to be after my ballet recital.  It seemed like an ideal plan at the start of the new year, but then life happened.  Chris had neck surgery in March which set back his progress in karate.  The kids did soccer in the spring, so they took a break from karate.  They started karate back up this summer, as did Chris, but the kids also had swim lessons this summer.  Chris’ uncle passed very close to the same time my mom passed away in May, which has created some emotional ripples in our lives.  I’ve felt like I’m going through a transition of a big chapter of my life closing, and feeling as though I’m on the cusp of my life taking a different direction.  Nothing concrete driven by me, just a feeling I have.

It’s now mid-August and we haven’t looked around to buy a piano, and only barely looked for a teacher.  Chris and I are still training for all of our obstacle runs, school starts next week, and so does ballet season.  The kids and Chris are still doing karate, and both kids both want to do soccer again this fall.  The reality is that piano lessons don’t sound fun, but rather just one more thing to add to our plate.  I have come to the realization that I’m not taking care of my mental health and it’s taking a toll.  I’m constantly stressed.  I’m cutting my sleep short.  I’m not making time for important friendships.  I just feel generally down – what I feel just before I slip into depression.

So I’m changing course.  It has taken me two months to give myself permission to do so.  I am still learning at a fast pace with ballet and perhaps this ‘new thing’ is really more of a multi-year learning.  I’m not ready to give it up in place of something else.  It’s unreasonable to think that I have time to truly take on another new hobby when I spend 6-10 hours a week doing ballet.

The new thing I’m learning for the last half of 2014 is learning how to just be.  How to do nothing.  I plan to do mediation first to see if I can get to the point of turning my brain off for a bit.  I am constantly doing something – reading, working out, cooking/shopping for food/meal planning, working, goofing off on the internet, researching, cleaning, organizing, being social, etc.  With all of my responsibilities and interests, I often find myself trying to multi-task.  I do not sit down and do absolutely nothing.  Ever.  In fact I feel like I don’t know how.  So I’m going to learn to do nothing, and with it, hopefully give myself permission to just be.

Piano lessons can wait (as can the rest of this way-too-ambitious list).  I only feel relief.